Rule One for parents, panicking as their offspring pack suitcases for university, is to remember that most emerge with decent degrees. All the hype about student debt, drinking, drugs, too much sex, bad eating and general stress is, mostly, just that – hype. Debts are the exception. But because most students have them, they will in all probability get used to them and debt won't affect graduates' ability to acquire mortgages.

Rule One for parents, panicking as their offspring pack suitcases for university, is to remember that most emerge with decent degrees. All the hype about student debt, drinking, drugs, too much sex, bad eating and general stress is, mostly, just that – hype. Debts are the exception. But because most students have them, they will in all probability get used to them and debt won't affect graduates' ability to acquire mortgages.

Rule Two is that, if the student is to succeed, the parent has to back off and allow the student to make the choices. Parents are needed for their smiles and money. Once term has started, visit, when invited, to do what my son calls "the supermarket sweep".

Don't nag about study. They will probably be nagging themselves, and if not, their tutors will step in. And when they need nagging about clean socks their flatmates will oblige.

Rule Three is to expect silence. No phone calls is a sign of a student submerged in an exciting new life. Lots of calls are a more worrying sign. If you get half a dozen calls a day then ask directly, "Is all well?" If it isn't, ask if your help will be useful but remember that every university has experts on hand; people who deal with thousands of students, recognise the common syndromes of distress and watch for physical signs you can't see on the phone. They have a professional interest in making sure your student is a round peg in a round hole.

Many halls of residence have wardens, and some have mature postgraduate residents who get cheap accommodation in return for being part of a welfare service.

The pattern of student life is changing. More people opt for a local university and live at home, something that creates its own stresses and may not be significantly cheaper. A student living at home in London may face travel costs as dear as rent elsewhere. To pay more than £50-£60 a week except in central London is rare.

For parents of those living at home, the greatest stress is allowing the young adult to flap its wings without parental intrusion. The parent bird puts its beak behind the reluctant fledgling and shoves. As parents we are wise to do the same.

Other significant changes are that more youngsters are going to university, costs are changing and choices of courses and institutions are radically different, while parents and teachers are stuck in a traditional grove.

We know which are the best institutions and which courses guarantee a prosperous career. Or do we? A pop music degree may sound like a joke to the classicist with an Oxbridge First a quarter of a century ago, but the degree Julian Simmons got three years ago from Bretton Hall, Leeds University, equipped him with the skills to get work immediately with an adventurous independent studio.

Sending a child to university is always worrying. The fears, fed by horror stories of students studying at half pace because they have to earn money as well, multiply irrationally. The best treatment is a long look at what the universities have in place to protect our children from disaster.

Parents with degrees have half the fears laid to rest already, having been through the mill, albeit before student loans. They know that there are well-tested systems to help the significant number who feel homesick or find they hate their course, their university or both.

For those parents without degrees or those worried that university in the 21st century is a more dangerous undertaking, many schools run parents' advice evenings, and sixth-form tutors are ready with advice on preparations.

The day the far-sighted parent really needs to start addressing the problems of university, it seems, is the day the child is conceived. Some will take out policies against the cost, but the important step is to produce a self-sufficient human. The 18-year-old who can cook, wash his own socks and organise dental checks is half way to a degree. The one who has to be spoon-fed is more likely to end up with malnutrition and misery.

In the chaos of summer, cooking lessons are probably not an option. Buy a pasta cook book. What parents most usefully do in August is to equip the embryonic students to fit quickly into their new world. Offer a new mobile phone or a lap top. Cash is more useful than advice.

Freshers' weeks let the new students view each other and make friends. For that first week, make sure they have a full week's worth of changes of clothes – if only t-shirts while the jeans remain the same. Don't choose their clothes. The student into hard rock needs to attract the like-minded.

Provide social food. Most first years are in halls of residence. They need something to offer their neighbours to break the ice. We provided ours with wine and as I walked out into a rainy September night, leaving him behind, I heard laughter and the pop of a cork and felt he was all right. Me? I needed a brandy, a handkerchief and theatre tickets.