Ahoy!

Ahoy!

Are you ready? Are you? Are you brave enough to embark with the Captain on a exhilarating voyage to the land of wit, enlightenment and interesting mail order offers? But, first, no, not a doctor joke, but, yes, a teacher joke! Teacher: Name two pronouns. Pupil: Who, me? Splendid. Forward!

Mail Order!

And a company called I Want One Of Those has been on, hoping to help with my distress over the imminent cessation of Innovations. Not bad, not bad. I was particularly taken by the full size replica fibreglass George V pillar box for £795 and the spoon which looks like its overflowing with runny ice cream and is most useful for reserving seats, £3.99. Well done, everybody! Next!

Health!

Something of a fuss, I see, over the efficacy of vitamin supplements. You will want details of the Captain's health regime. 1. Breathing exercises. Practise breathing in, then out, regularly. I find that going to sleep whenever I can promotes this. 2. A good lunch also seems to help. 3. Prevent potentially damaging muscle wear and tear by walking as little as possible. 4. This might be beyond the purse of some of you, but I have a Personal Trainer, Carlos, who monitors me closely. Carlos, for example, goes to the bar, and is always ready with a warning shout: "Captain, no! Taxi!". Thank you.

Pets win prizes!

While I have no doubt that you will all join the Captain in the general rejoicing which has greeted the news that Tinker, a black cat from Harrow, has been left £450,000 in the will of his former owner, Mrs Margaret Layne, I cannot help noting that it always seems to be cats that get the moolah. Granted, the occasional dog, too, but what about goldfish, guinea pigs, rabbits, hamsters, and white mice? Does no one care for them? True, Kalu the Chimpanzee, from Cape Town, was left several million by her late owner, but apart from her, the only other non-feline incanine I have come across is Big Tibby, a 52-year-old tortoise who was left £50,000 by his former owner, Mr Gordon Moss of Butley Town, Cheshire, but who is no longer with us, either, thanks to the unfortunate combination of a garden pond and the misapprehension that he was a turtle. So: details of your esoteric pet bequests, please!

Well,

I'll Go To The Foot Of Our Stairs With Captain Moonlight. It was Michael Palin's 60th birthday last week, you know. It was. Somebody asked him how he would be celebrating. "I'm not going to be doing anything particularly racy," he said. Well, etc. Next week: Alan Bennett has a cup of tea, Michael Winner has a meal, David Starkey has an opinion, Huw Evans says, "thanks for that, Matt," David Beckham is unsettled, and Liz Hurley goes out. Next!

Spot

That Snag With Captain Moonlight. And this week reader Mr Ball of Middleton writes: "Captain! Ever wondered what to do with all that chewing gum stuck to pavements? Ever been stuck in roadworks for resurfacing? How about a campaign to get people to throw used gum in the road, not on the pavement? As we all know, gum is almost impossible to get rid off so will keep the road properly surfaced for years. Can anyone see a flaw in my argument?" Ah, well, have one of my exclusive black and silver enamel effect Moonlight Badges, anyway. Mr Ball. On!

Stars!

Did you see the list of 100 greatest film stars chosen for Channel 4 by film fans? Extraordinary. No place for, to name but a few, Charles Hawtrey, Sir Norman, Lassie, Dame May Whitty, Richard Wattis, Irene Handl, Felix Aylmer, Terry-Thomas, David Tomlinson, Chips Rafferty or Sir Cliff. Haven't these people seen Expresso Bongo? Next!

Did

You Know With Captain Moonlight! Did you know that the real name of Clint Warwick, the bass guitarist of the Moody Blues until 1966, is Clinton Eccles? Remarkable. Next!

Well,

I'll Go To The Foot Of Our Stairs With Captain Moonlight (2)! Did you know that there is an Arabic verb which means "to put one's finger up a chicken's bottom to see if it is about to lay an egg"? Would you like to know what it is? Ring the Captain's Hotline now on 020-7005 2462 and vote "Yes, Chicken bottom!" or "No, Fowl!" Excellent. Forward!

Charles Nevin is Captain Moonlight

email thingie: moonlight@ independent.co.uk