Top tat! Souvenirs for the Jubilee

Embedded with more than 600 diamante crystals, the Jubilee window blind is, according to its makers, "fit for a queen but affordable enough for any British home". At £600 each, a stampede seems unlikely.

Official Jubilee single: 'Sing'

Expect this to be a slightly less grim alternative to the National Anthem when it is released next Monday. Composed by Gary Barlow and Andrew Lloyd Webber. Asked if Prince Harry exhibited any musical talent, Barlow was blunt: "No."

Cashmere wrist warmers

"When you're waving your flag this summer, make sure you are wearing a pair of these," says the Scottish clothing store Brora. Just in time, it seems, as the temperature reaches 28C.

Celebration wrist ties with small Swarovski crystal

The wrist tie is the upmarket alternative to, erm, a wristband – popular with festival fashion victims around a decade ago. It will be dispatched in a "beautiful" silver envelope bearing the official iridescent Diamond Jubilee stamp.

Jubilee glass paperweight

A glass ornament that its makers promise will outclass the rest. Etched with a Union Flag and inscribed with hearts, the John Lewis paperweight comes in a variety of colours. And all for the paltry sum of £28. A bargain.

Unofficial Welsh five-shilling coin

Has the Queen's head on one side and a Welsh dragon on the other. Its makers promise only the best platinum alloy. But don't expect it to have much value beyond next weekend.

Solar-powered waving Queen

Requires just a few moments of daylight. It will then wave furiously: to friends, to family, to – well – anybody who comes within waving distance. The ideal accompaniment to a Union Flag wilting in the window, the seven-inch Jubilee figurine even comes with a special "nodding" corgi. Bliss.

Standard British patriotic pack

Just £75 buys bunting, flags, hats and streamers. If not mistaken as window dressing for the BNP, it should be enough to inspire Diamond Jubilee parties in every part of the country.