Mother explains why she doesn’t mind her child’s tantrums

A young mother has explained why she practices “gentle parenting”, which involves barely ever saying ‘No’, rarely shouting and encouraging her child to “express, not suppress” her emotions, even during a full-blown tantrum.

Namwila Mulwanda, 23, says she grew up in a “strict African household with authoritarian parents”.

She feels her upbringing impacted her mental health as there was an “expectation of blind obedience” from her parents. Namwila says she’s a “self-confessed ex-people pleaser”.

After studying A-Level psychology and with a background in law, Namwila became fascinated by child psychology and different parenting methods.

Before having their daughter, Nhyara, now 17 months, Namwila and her partner, Zephi, also 23, decided they wanted to raise their children using a gentler style – a philosophy enforcing discipline and boundaries with kindness and respect.

Although it’s not always easy, the parents say they are already seeing the results as their child flourishes into a happy and sociable little girl.

Namwila, a stay-at-home mother, from Colchester, Essex, said: “I just want her to have the childhood I didn’t have.

“We incorporated gentle parenting from the onset, we allow her to express her emotions and want to instil her with confidence.

“It’s not simply letting your kids do what they want, it’s giving them room to understand the world with mutual respect, empathy and compassion.”

Namwila says she can still be firm and disciplined, but says there is a difference between discipline and punishment.

“There are certain things we would never do – we would never spank our daughter and we wouldn’t suppress the expression of emotion,” she said.

Namwila does admit it can be difficult to allow your child to express themselves when they are having a public tantrum, however, because parents can feel self-conscious.

She added: “If you suppress a child’s ability to feel, they could grow up unable to express their emotions in a healthy way.”

In moments Nhyara is emotional, her mother will work through patiently with her daughter what is causing her to be upset. “Too much noise causes the brain to shut down, and children don’t hear the words properly,” she added.

Namwila added: “When children are having tantrums the logical side of their brain doesn’t work, and they’re led with the right, emotional side of their brain.”

She says one technique is to calm down with deep breathing activities, during which she holds her hand up with five fingers and ask Nhyara to blow them down.

She said: “The basis of gentle parenting is just talking to your child from a place of respect and understanding and learning not to yell. If you do yell, you can apologise afterwards and show your accountability.”

After her daughter has calmed down, it is then time to deliver a “teaching moment”, such as explaining why hitting people is wrong.“Too much noise causes the brain to shut down, and children don’t hear the words properly,” she added.

“You shouldn’t be harsh to your child to prepare them for a harsh world.”

Namwila’s parenting style is not restricted to discipline. She also practices “targeted praise”.

“For example, when she has scribbled something, I will say you really worked hard on that, I like the pattern,” Namwila said.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love a ‘Good job’, it’s just trying to be more intentional with your praise.”

SWNS